


never quite free

by regionals



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, C-PTSD, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Repressed Memories, Smut, Trans Male Character, vent fic, yeah i managed to work smut into my vent fic fucking fight me cowards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-01 22:31:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15783438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regionals/pseuds/regionals
Summary: recovery is weird. it's not just a line going upwards at a forty five degree angle--it's like a bunch of nonsensical scribbling with highs and lows here and there and a lot of backwards and forwards and zig-zagging.(title from 'never quite free' by the mountain goats.)





	never quite free

**Author's Note:**

> i got some fucked up feelings and thoughts in my head and i had a bad night and needed a safe way to explore my thoughts and feelings and this is what spawned. 
> 
> im sorry if this fic isn't as good as what i usually post or whatever or if its weird or hard to follow but i wrote like a lot of this on the verge of an anxiety attack because for once my body didnt decide to yeet my brain into purgatory (translation: dissociate) and ive just been like getting triggered (and not in the edgy 4ch/n way) over and over for the past few days so idk anyways this thing was like massively cathartic for me oof :'/?? idk
> 
> so much shit had been going on for me irl lately and hrghrhg been havin them dank ass ptsd issues get dug back up bc of all the stress i guess idk anyways sorry this aint a therapy session lol
> 
> at the end of this fic i included lyrics to never quite free bc its just. wow. john darnielle's mind is a magnificent thing.

tyler's never been one for love. it's not that he doesn't like the idea, because he really does, but he feels as if he's too broken for anyone to love or to care about. he's not the kind of person someone just falls in love with. he's weird. he hates the way he looks. he doesn't have a safe way of talking to people or about things. he never thinks before he speaks. to sum it all up, he's a dumb ass, and no one likes a dumb ass.

that's why he's shocked when josh sidles on up to him one day, slyly asking him if he'd like to go out for dinner with him. he's dressed up nicely, even. around tyler, he always wears sweatshirts and he never bothers with his binder, at least not in the house, unless he's especially dysphoric and even then tyler talks him out of it because if he doesn't then josh _will_ spend the rest of the week whining and complaining about his ribs and his back hurting.

that's another thing--tyler's the kind of guy that people don't dress up for, so, _yeah,_ when josh sidles on up to him dressed up in a cute button up and his good jeans that make his ass look great, giving him this adorable little bashful look and asking him out to dinner, he's _shocked._

***

josh is good at loving him, tyler realizes, on a day he can't get out of bed because he just feels so empty and hollow inside. sometimes he has days like this and most of the time josh just leaves him be, only occasionally poking his head into his room to ask him if he's alright, or to make him get up and at least eat something before he lays back down and wallows in self pity.

since they started dating, josh has started taking more time out of his day for tyler, and although tyler isn't used to it, and although he thinks it's weird, he appreciates it, because sometimes all he wants is to feel josh's hands, which are warm and strong, running over his head while he has his face crammed into his pillows, trying to block everything else out.

josh is like an anchor, a tether to the real world, and without him tyler feels like he might just float away into the unknown. instead of leaving him alone like tyler tells him to, josh just sits in his room with him and runs his hands over his head, or rubs his back a little bit, or presses his body against his since he knows that, despite his flustered remarks, tyler does enjoy getting cuddled.

josh can't fix everything and tyler knows that, knows that it's unhealthy to expect him to do so, but he makes life a little more bearable on bad days.

***

"don't you ever just get _tired_ of me?" tyler asks as he dabs at his eyes with a crumpled up bit of toilet paper. he's laying in the bathroom on the cold tile floor, because it's cold and everything is just a little too hot for him right now, and josh is sitting next to him, holding one of his hands and trying to comfort him as best as he can. "i'm so pathetic and broken. i'm--i'm damaged goods. i don't know what the _fuck_ you see in me."

"you know what i see in you, asshole?" josh says, nice and quiet and sweet, tone not at all conveying anything malevolent, as he reaches up to take the bit of toilet paper from tyler and to dab at his cheeks for him. "i just see someone who's struggling, and who's trying his best to stay alive. i don't think the fact that you're having a hard time means you're unworthy of love. i got oodles of fuckin' love in my heart for you, bro. i always have and always will. the fact that you're having a hard time doesn't change that. it just makes me want to love you more."

"it's just that you give me _so much_ and i can't--i can't always reciprocate. it's not fair to you, it's just not fair. you deserve so much more than--than _this--_ than a stupid boyfriend who can't stop crying about something that happened fifteen _fucking_ years ago."

"ty, i know you don't want to hear this, but you need to get the idea out of your head that you have to do something to earn my love. i don't love you because i want it to be reciprocated--i mean, shit, i know you love me, _i know--_ you don't have to remind me if you don't want to. it's okay. i just love you; i don't have to have a reason for it; it's just a _thing._ i give you so much because i _want_ to. i want to love you. i want you to feel good. if me caring for you makes you feel good, then that's fine. it's how i love. and, man, i don't care if it's fair. love isn't always fair. sometimes you give and you don't get back--and i don't give to get back."

josh bends down a bit and makes tyler look him in the eye. "to touch upon the fact that you think i 'deserve' more than this--you know what i deserve? someone i can love. and guess what? i love you, man. i love you more than anything. i've said it before and i've said it again--your trauma doesn't make you unlovable. your trauma doesn't make you undeserving of love. you aren't damaged goods. your feelings are valid and if you need to cry about being _assaulted,_ then please, by all means, _cry._ you're allowed to cry about it. also--the cool thing about having a boyfriend who loves you to death is the fact that he's more than willing to go make you that tea you like, and cuddle with you while the two of you watch it's always sunny, because i know how big of a crush you got on glenn howerton."

tyler reaches his arm up to wipe at his eyes himself before asking josh if they can stay in the bathroom for awhile longer, because he doesn't feel ready to get up off the floor. of course, josh agrees, and kisses him on the cheek and assures him that they can do whatever he wants for the rest of the day.

***

having a mental breakdown two months into a relationship with someone he would consider husband material is possibly one of tyler's worst nightmares. everything has been fairly smooth sailing, aside from either of them having bad days here and there and tyler having the occasional anxiety attack.

tyler's on the couch with josh, who has a hand in tyler's pants, on top of him when it starts. tyler's into it, really into it, and he's gasping into josh's mouth, when a thought he hasn't thought since he was maybe eleven pops into his head and makes his stomach lurch. tyler tries shoving it away, tries shoving the whispers of, _"be quiet; this'll be our little secret,"_ and, _"if you tell anyone, i'll kill you,"_ in the voice of one of his sunday school teachers that his brain keeps playing over and over.

the thought doesn't go away and tyler isn't too sure on the specific chain of events, but one minute he's gasping and moaning into josh's mouth almost desperately as his boyfriend works him in his fist, then the next he's nudging josh off of him, mumbling, "don't," and, "stop touching me," over and over as feelings of panic and fear start to well up in his chest.

josh is a saint about it, because he's a saint about everything and even if he doesn't know what to do he's still so gracious about nursing tyler through his anxiety attack and about trying his best to help him despite the fact that, above all else, he's confused and concerned.

josh only touches him when tyler asks him to, and they wind up on the couch for the rest of the night, tyler curled up in the afghan josh's grandma crocheted for them as a housewarming present, with josh's arms around him while they watch it's always sunny in philadelphia on josh's laptop.

***

of course, _of course,_ josh questions him about it the next day when tyler seems to be in a better and more stable mood. he approaches him at breakfast carrying a plate of his favorite food and a mug of his favorite tea, chamomile with milk and honey, two spoonfuls of sugar, and half a teaspoon of cinnamon, and in the sweetest voice possible, he says, "can we talk about what happened last night?"

tyler knows what he's talking about, but he still turns the page in his newspaper, and asks, "care to specify?" because he really doesn't _want_ to talk about it, even though he knows he needs to.

"you know what i'm talking about, tyler. if you don't want to tell me, that's fine, but i just--i want to make sure i didn't do anything. i know we don't always ask each other for explicit consent because sometimes we don't _need_ to but if last night was one of those times where i should've asked--"

"it's not your fault," tyler assures him without looking up. "you didn't do anything wrong."

"can i ask why you were upset, then? i've seen you upset before but that was--that was different. it was scary. i just didn't know what to do, and that probably sounds stupid--"

"it's not stupid." tyler shrugs, and stirs his tea a little bit with the spoon josh left in it. he takes a small sip before saying anything else. as he speaks, he feels like he's going to throw up. "i don't know how to explain it without sounding... i dunno. without sounding like i'm--like i'm making it up."

"like i said--you don't have to tell me, but i do want to assure you that no matter what, i'm going to believe you, and that i love you and support you, alright?"

"is this a talk we should be having at breakfast?" tyler hates that his voice goes up and octave as he shifts uncomfortably in his seat, and pushes eggs around in his plate. the feeling of nausea gets stronger and tyler gags slightly as the smell of his eggs wafts into his nose.

"we can talk later, man. we don't have to do it right now. or at all, if you don't want to."

"i don't know what i want."

"that's okay too, bud." josh reaches across their tiny little rickety dining table to take tyler's left hand, and to kiss his knuckles, before gently encouraging him to eat at least part of his breakfast.

***

it takes tyler a month to bring it up on his own. it's late at night and they're on the futon in the living room, tyler with a hand up josh's shirt, sort of toying with one of his breasts while he sucks love bites into his neck, and josh with a hand gripping tyler's ass, muttering dirty things into the top of his head, knowing it gets him off.

tyler knows this is an inappropriate time to bring it up, but he still finds himself muttering, "what counts as rape?" into josh's neck as his boyfriend's hand finally slips into the back of his pants.

josh's hand disappears just as quick, and he's gentle about reaching up into his t-shirt to grab tyler's wrist, and to move his hand to somewhere a little more appropriate, and tyler sighs. "what the fuck?" is what josh asks.

"you wanted me to talk about it."

josh makes a noise in his throat, and mutters, "i guess," before adjusting his position. "i think... anything done without your consent would count, i guess."

"but--but would it count if i _got off?_ if it felt good?"

"were you able to consent? _did_ you consent? did you want it?"

tyler feels his chest tightening up and his lip quivering as he shakes his head because, no, he didn't want it. he didn't. "no. i didn't." he sucks in a sharp breath, then a few more, and lets them out followed by a small whine as tears start dripping from his bottom eyelids, getting onto josh's neck. "she just--she told me to be quiet, and when i told her to stop she just kept going, kept telling me i was--i was enjoyin' it because i was _hard_ _\--_ that it didn't--that it didn't _count._ i wanted it to _stop--_ so bad. so bad. but it didn't stop it just kept going and going and _going--"_

josh adjusts his position again, this time scooting back, and tugging tyler with him, to give him room to stretch his legs and to lay comfortably. he holds tyler against his chest, his arms tight around him and his fingers running through his hair, which, at this point in time, is a little long and fluffy, long enough for josh to run his fingers through. tyler holds him back and wipes his face on josh's t-shirt.

"i'm sorry--i'm so sorry for burdening you with all this--"

"sweetheart, you have nothing to be sorry about," josh says quickly, cutting tyler off. "it's okay. if you need to talk, then talk. you're not a burden, never a burden."

"when i tried... i tried telling my friends. i tried telling them and it hurt so much to say it--it hurts now--they told me i--i should be glad, should be _happy_ someone _wanted me_ like that, that i was--that i was _lucky--_ that it's always the church ladies who are into the fucked up _shit._ i thought--i thought they were _right._ thought it made me _cool_ for losin' it that early." tyler interrupts himself as his crying and panicking gets a little more intense, and josh just hugs him through it, holds him and kisses the top of his head and assures him that he's gonna be alright, that he is alright.

"they were wrong," josh tells him. "they were wrong, and it wasn't okay that she did any of that to you." he lets tyler cry on him for awhile longer before tyler goes on and keeps talking.

"i was _ten._ i was ten, i was ten, _i was ten--_ i was ten and--and--and my--my first _orgasm_ was from a fucking thirty year old sunday school teacher making me--making me _fuck_ her in the broom closet. oh, _god--"_ after this, tyler stands up, and stumbles his way as fast as he can from the living room to the bathroom in the hall way, and josh follows him and rubs his back while he throws up into the toilet.

***

tyler likes to lay on the couch after work, watching stuff on his phone, because it's relaxing and it gives him time to decompress after a day of dealing with dumb ass customers who don't realize that, no, once a coupon is expired, you _can't_ use it. he's on the couch in his own little world when josh walks up to him to sit on the floor next to where his head is at on the couch, with a stack of paper packets and flyers and pamphlets in his hands, and a nervous look on his face.

tyler gives him a once over, before mumbling, "what d'ya got there...?"

"some stuff," josh mumbles back. he goes through his stack of _stuff,_ and the first thing he shows tyler is a brochure.

tyler frowns and turns his phone screen off, and sets his phone on the couch next to his head, and picks up the brochure. the front of it is titled _"rape and sexual assault,"_ in all capital letters, and tyler's pretty sure the font face is arial. there's a picture below it of a man with his hand held up, the universal signal for _stop,_ then there's a subtitle in smaller, less noticeable font that says, _"learn about rape and sexual assault, and how to get help."_

tyler knows what it is, what josh is trying to do, but he still asks, "what is this?"

"an option," josh says, nice and simple, before handing tyler another brochure. the next one is a brochure from the national sexual assault hotline, and has a phone number at the bottom of the front of it. "that's another option."

the next thing tyler gets handed a packet of papers. "that's--that's the law about, um, rape, in ohio. the, uh, the statute of limitations is twenty years, so that's another option, since you're only twenty five."

josh hands him a few more brochures. "those are--those are for some counselors from the family health services place. all of them have, uh, pretty low rates. nothing that we can't afford, if that's something you want to do. i can pick up a few extra shifts to help, or i could--i could probably ask my parents if they'd be willing to help--"

"--i'm not asking your parents for help," tyler interrupts him. "you haven't told them, have you?"

"i haven't told anyone. i'm sure i probably raised a lot of eyebrows walking into the lgbt center and a handful of clinics asking for pamphlets and flyers on that kind of stuff, but... i didn't tell anyone. it's not my story to tell. tyler, i--i don't know what to do. i want to help you, but i don't know how."

"it's not your job to help me," tyler mumbles as he organizes the brochures and the packet into a neat stack, handing them back to josh. "you didn't sign up for that."

"i signed up to be your boyfriend, and i think that part of that includes helping you as much as i can. as much as i want to fix all of this with the wave of some magic wand... i can't. _but--_ i can provide you with the resources to--to _get_ help. _also--"_ josh goes back to the rest of his stack, and hands tyler a few more brochures. "lawyers. i asked around, and those are a few lawyers you could speak to, if that's something that interests you. um--if you want to talk to a lawyer, though, i... would suggest talking to my dad, since he's cool, and would probably work with you for free, since you're basically a third son to him. and--and there's client confidentiality, so anything you didn't want me or anyone else to know, he wouldn't be able to say, i guess..." josh shrugs.

"i don't want to press charges," tyler mumbles as he hands the brochures back. "not an option for me. not like they'd believe me anyways. pubescent boys are supposed to _want_ it, and i came, so who's to say it _wasn't--_ wasn't--wasn't... _y'know."_

"but it was. i'm not going to try talking you into anything you don't want to do; i'm just saying that the option is there, and that, legally, you're within your rights to pursue this." josh shrugs. "there's a few more things, and after that, i'll get out of your hair about this, but..." he hands a few packets and _more_ brochures to him. "i went to our church, and talked to the youth minister and a few of the pastors about what i could do if someone i knew was... _assaulted._ that church--they have a lot of counselors that would work with you for free, and i know--i know it's probably not, like... the most appropriate solution, given the circumstances, but i know that you--that you're religious, more than i am, and i know that sometimes people find it more healing and cathartic to use their spirituality to work through this stuff. also... you don't have to do any of this if you don't want to, but... i know that it's nice to have a little help. i'm also here for you and i'm willing to help you as best as i can."

tyler hands those back to him as well before he sits up, and motions for josh to just hand him the entire stack. tyler goes through it, and picks out the brochures for the counselors from the family health services clinic, and the ones from their church, along with the hotline one. he gives josh back any that have to do with laws or lawyers and pressing charges, saying that's too much for him, but that he's willing to try the other stuff.

***

tyler calls a few of the counselors, and goes in for a few consultations before finding one he _really_ likes. the rest give him slightly _off_ vibes, but this one--she's lovely. she has a kind face and she lets tyler ramble and she offers him tissues and a few pats on the back when he starts tearing up, and she doesn't question him about the validity of his trauma, which he really likes. he asks her how much it would cost for him to see her once a week, and once she gives him a ballpark figure printed out on a piece of paper, he takes that home to josh, and slides it across the dinner table, which is where josh is sat, eating from a carton of take out. "that's how much it's going to cost to see a counselor once a week."

josh raises his eyebrows, and takes the piece of paper. "per appointment, right?"

"i know seventy five is a little spendy for our budget, but that's--that would be an hour long appointment, every friday..." he shrugs, and sits in the chair closest to josh, and scoots it towards him so he can rest his head on his shoulder. "i'm sorry," he mumbles. "i can do it every other week, or once a month or something if--if we need to, but... she suggested once a week for a few months, and then maybe see where we can go from there, i guess..."

josh kisses him on the top of his head and shakes his own head. "its okay, man. if you need to do it once a week, we can figure it out. i can start working on saturdays, and we could both figure out a few things to stop spending money on to make it work. there's always the option of asking my parents for help, since they're not exactly poor... worst case scenario, i start doing a few jobs here and there off of craigslist like i did when we were short on rent at our old place."

tyler nods meekly. "i don't deserve you."

josh sighs and shakes his head. "stop that. i love you and if this is what you need, then so be it. we're gonna make ends meet, just like we always do, alright?"

***

"is it--is it normal for _sex_ to make me feel so... gross...?" tyler's staring down at his thumbs, picking at one of his thumbnails with an index finger, waiting for his counselor to answer him.

he hears her scribble something down before answering. "that's very normal. it's normal for survivors of sexual assault to feel... repulsed by sex."

tyler nods. "i'm not crazy?"

"not at all."

"i don't always feel gross from it, though. i--i _like_ sex. my boyfriend--he's amazing, and i love him so much, and i _like_ having sex with him, but sometimes i just--i get overwhelmed and i have an anxiety attack and i feel so _bad_ about it."

"how does he react?"

"oh, like a fucking _saint."_ tyler sighs and rolls his eyes, his leg jiggling in place as he continues. "he's an angel about all of it. i'll start crying and freaking out and he just, like, holds me, and gets me to breathe and he makes me my favorite tea and sometimes if we're feeling it, we watch shows together. he's always... _very_ adamant on asking me what i want, or what i need, and never does anything without asking, ever. he's so sweet. is it too much if i talk about sex? am i allowed?"

"i'm here to listen to you. if that's what you need to talk about, then you're allowed." tyler makes eye contact with her, and she smiles at him, wide and blinding.

he smiles back a little awkwardly before looking back down at his thumbnails. "when we started dating, this wasn't an issue for me. like--we fucked all the goddamn time. any time we had an excuse to do it, we did it, but i was just..." he sighs again, louder. "i was watching a show, and in it... my favorite character--i latch onto him a lot because i see a lot of myself in him--in it, that character talked about how he was--how he... he talked about how he had sex with a librarian at his school when he was fourteen, and i kind of laughed about it, because when i was ten i fucked my sunday school teacher, but then one of the other characters pointed out that since he was so young and she was so old... it was _rape._ of course, he doesn't acknowledge it in the show, and refuses to accept it, but that kinda... sat wrong with me. like... i dunno." tyler shrugs for the millionth time and curls in on himself. "it planted that seed in my brain. a few weeks later... my boyfriend--he had his hand down my pants and he was kissing on me, and, i mean, it felt great, but i started thinking about that--that _teacher,_ and i had this awful anxiety attack. i told him about--about what happened a month after that. i chose the worst time, too."

tyler shifts on the couch in his counselor's office, crossing his legs together before continuing. "i had my hand up his shirt--he's--he's trans, by the way, so... like, there's stuff for me to _touch_ up there, and he likes when i touch him _up there_ \--i had my hand up his shirt and he had his hand down the back of my pants copping a feel of my ass, because he's kinda goofy like that, and out of nowhere i just asked, like, "what counts as rape?" like, how inappropriate is that? i couldn't have found a better time?

"anyways... i started freaking out and rambling and i just--i basically told him everything--and he was so chill about it. he hugged me and kissed me and kinda just... i've always felt like it was this... _secret,_ this gross secret, and i've always felt so gross and ashamed about it, and i still do, kind of, but... he made me feel like i wasn't a fucking _freak._ i didn't feel embarrassed telling him about any of it. i mean, i did, but he didn't further that, i guess...? like the act of telling him that, hey, his boyfriend was--was _raped_ as a kid felt embarrassing, but he was so... not judgmental about it, and he didn't--he didn't invalidate any of my feelings. i mean, shit--he went out and spent an entire day gathering brochures and pamphlets and even a fucking packet on all the rape laws in ohio and offered me like five different options of things i could do."

"he sounds lovely, tyler. how long have you known him?"

"i met him when we were fifteen. our parents went to the same church, and we had youth group together. we've been best friends since then, basically. i've--i've always kinda had a crush on him, and when he asked me out awhile back, i was kinda... over the fucking moon, really. i wasn't expecting it. i'm not--i just--i don't feel like the kind of person who people fall in love with. i'm--i'm _weird,_ and i feel like i'm--like i'm damaged goods, because i don't know how to love anyone properly. my friends think i'm weird because... i dunno... when you love someone you're supposed to be affectionate and you're supposed to say sweet things but i--i _can't,_ and i feel bad, because he's always saying sweet things to me or hugging me or doing little things for me, and the most i do is--maybe--maybe i fuckin'... lay on him when i feel like i want affection? i love him so much, but i don't show my love like everyone else does."

"it's okay if you don't show your love like everyone else does. there's many different ways of expressing love, and there isn't any one way that's more valid than another way."

"i know, and he even tells me that." tyler sniffs, and wipes at one of his eyes with the back of his hand. jenna hands him a few tissues from across her desk. tyler likes her so far. she's nice. "sometimes--so... he wears this thing, that, like, flattens his chest, but it's--it's not the safest thing in the world, but sometimes he wears it when he's not supposed to, and--and i have to tell him to take it off, and to tell him that he's just as much of a man as any other man is, because i don't want him to hurt his ribs, or to injure himself. i do stuff like that. i kinda--i like... i try getting him to make good choices, because i love him and i want him to be safe and healthy, and that's what i do when i love people--i just... i take care of them, i guess...? i _suck_ at it, but... it's whatever."

"i don't think that's whatever. i think that's very sweet of you, and i think that's a normal way of expressing love. i mean... i myself express my affection with gifts. it put my wife off at first, because i always get her little gifts, and she didn't understand that i wasn't trying to buy her affection when we first started dating. i had to explain to her that it's my love language, and that i express that sort of stuff with gifts rather than words, i suppose. does he know that's how you express your affection towards him...?"

"he does. i've explained it to him before, and he's okay with it. if he--when he--when he needs reassurance, he kind of just bluntly asks me for it. he's, um, very big on communication, which... i really appreciate. i've, uh, had a few boyfriends and girlfriends who were _shit_ at communication, so it's... refreshing that he's so adamant about it. i'm not--i'm not the best about it, but i think i'm getting better."

***

"it's not that i _don't_ want to have sex with you, josh, because i _do,_ but every time we try i just--i start getting panicky, and i'm so _frustrated._ it seems like no matter how slow we go i just start getting choked up." tyler lets his foot splash in the bathwater, and josh runs his hand over his head, which has been freshly shaved. "i wish sex didn't give me anxiety, because, _fuck!_ you _know_ how much i love pussy! i can't live off of hand jobs and blow jobs alone!"

josh starts giggling, and he presses a gentle kiss to the back of tyler's neck. "i'm _well aware_ of your love for pussy, babe." he grabs the bar of soap off of the soap holder in their shower, and he's gentle as he starts lathering tyler's chest and stomach with it. "we could try a different approach, if you want...?"

tyler hums a little bit, and shifts his position, letting his head fall back against josh's shoulder, and his eyes drift shut. he likes when josh has his hands on him. "what sort of approach?"

"i dunno. i could try topping. we haven't done _that_ since we started dating, i don't think. we could also just... experiment, maybe...? all we ever try is just... you bending me over and railing me over the counter in either of the bathrooms, or missionary at, like, two in the morning when we're both exhausted and vulnerable, and when you're more prone to having anxiety attacks."

"or hand jobs in the bath tub while we're taking a bath together at nine at night, maybe," tyler mutters as he spreads his thighs apart, a suggestion, and as josh lets his hand dip down a little more, the bar of soap forgotten and drifting towards the drain.

***

josh comes home from hanging out with one of his friends--a friend that tyler doesn't know--looking excited, carrying a few bags, and as soon as he's in the door and making eye contact with tyler, he says, "we're talking about sex as soon as i get done showering."

tyler snorts, mostly since he's taken aback by josh's bluntness and lack of subtlety, but shrugs, and says, "alright," anyways, before returning his attention the episode of it's always sunny playing on their tv, continuing to munch on popcorn.

josh showers in under ten minutes, and comes back out wearing only sweatpants. tyler figures he must be having a good day, which makes his heart swell with affection. josh sits on the floor near where tyler's at on the couch, and tyler reaches forward, making a small grabby hand towards one of his breasts. josh looks at his hand with raised eyebrows before rolling his eyes, and taking tylers wrist to slowly move his hand forward. tyler gropes him once, and all he has to say is, "nice."

josh starts laughing, and bats his hand away. "quit being weird."

"it's august ninth. art appreciation day, bro."

"that... is quite possibly the gayest thing you've said to me." josh rolls his eyes again, before leaning forward and resting his face in his arms, and giving tyler a fond look. "how's your day?"

"alright. been watching sunny all day, and projecting all of my feelings onto dennis, as usual."

josh nods. "very valid. so... what i wanted to talk about. is now a good time?"

"it's as good a time as any. not like i have anything else to do."

"alright. tell me to stop talking if you get uncomfortable, or whatever. _so..._ you know that one friend of mine, who does a lot of escort work...?"

tyler nods. "debby, right?"

"that'd be her. i talked to her about our... sex situation. i didn't get specific--just said that you get panicky whenever we try doing anything more than a quick handy, and that you have some intimacy issues, and she had a few suggestions that i thought we could try."

"what were the suggestions?"

"well..." josh lifts one of his arms up, and places his hand on tyler's cheek, rubbing his thumb across his cheekbone, and offering him a kind smile before continuing. "how do you feel about, ah... kinky stuff?"

tyler blanks for a few moments before barking out a laugh. "that was her suggestion?"

"hear me out--"

"--i will, i will, but my only boundaries that i know for sure is that i don't like water sports or scat."

"good, because neither do i." josh rolls his eyes. "she suggested that maybe if you were completely in control of the situation, or the other way around, that could be cathartic for you...? she's worked with a lot of assault survivors, and says that, for some people, kink is a way to cope. i thought maybe we could try it. if it works out, then it works out, but if it doesn't, then it doesn't, and we don't have to try it ever again. i just wanted to throw the idea out there, because i know how frustrated you are from just... _not_ doing anything with me."

"we don't have to hurt each other, do we?"

josh shakes his head. "dude, no, not at all. not unless we find out that we both get off to that. i'm kind of a wuss when it comes to pain, though, so i doubt i'm gonna be into doing anything _too_ rough. i was thinking... maybe some light bondage, i guess? or some roleplaying."

tyler feels a few tendrils of anxiety unfurling in his chest, but he also feels a few shocks of excitement shoot down his abdomen at the thought of what josh is suggesting. "i'm not, uh, too educated on kinky stuff. i just--i know basic stuff, like safe words, i guess, and i know how some of it works, but... i've never done it, i _guess_ , or even thought about it beyond looking at a few videos here and there when i'm getting off on my own time. when, um... would you be willing to try...?"

josh moves until his head is resting in his left arm, and he eyes tyler's groin area with raised eyebrows. his boner is a little hard to miss. "depends on when you're up for it." he toys with the hem of tyler's t-shirt between his fingers, and tyler reaches down to hold his hand.

"can i--can i try... being in control? at--at least for tonight. or--or whenever we try it. i guess."

josh nods. "we can try that, bud. what kind of conversation do you want to have about it?"

"can we wing it? i feel like i'm gonna get overwhelmed if we talk about it too much, or if we try planning it."

josh nods again. "i'm alright with that. we _should_ talk about safe words, though."

"mine's, uh, rosanna." josh is almost convinced tyler came up with that on the spot.

"toto?"

"cover by weezer."

josh smirks. "and _that's_ why i love you."

tyler grins and he feels some of the anxiety in his chest wither away only to get replaced with something warm. "what's yours?"

"banana, or bananas, or... any variation of that, i guess."

***

"what, uh... what all am i allowed to do...?" tyler mumbles, gently palming at one of josh's ass cheeks. josh is on his stomach, with his wrists tied behind his back with some rope he'd gotten at a hardware store. it's the big soft cotton kind, and he'd explained to tyler that it shouldn't give him too much rope burn, just as long as tyler didn't tie it too tight. (tyler was a pretty avid participant in boy scouts as a kid, and knows his way around a knot.)

josh looks over his shoulder at tyler. "whatever you want or need to do. if i need you to stop, i'll let you know. also... general sex rules, too. use lube and don't just go straight to fucking my brains out, i guess."

tyler shakes his head. "no, no. i wouldn't do that. do you want me to wear a condom?"

"do _you_ want to wear a condom?" josh quirks an eyebrow at him, and if he had free motion of his arms, he'd probably prop his head up on one of his hands.

tyler bites his bottom lip and shakes his head quickly. "is that okay with you?"

josh nods, and tyler can see that the tips of his ears are a little red. "i kinda like it when you get me all messy."

tyler can't help the tiny little bashful grin on his face. he gets up from the bed for less than a minute so he can walk into the en suite and grab a bottle of lube, before he's settling down between josh's thighs again. he reaches down, to brush his thumb over josh's clit, which makes josh let out a soft breath. "i like your little boner. it's cute."

"you better, with as much as i pay for testosterone," josh mutters, before either of them start giggling.

"can i..." tyler waves one of his hands in front of himself, trying to find words. "i wanna go down on you first. can i do that?"

"ty--like i said--you can do whatever you want, and if i need you to stop, i promise that i'll let you know."

tyler feels his cock throb at that. he takes josh's word for it, though, and turns him over to where he's on his back. tyler likes seeing him like this. it's new. it's different. he likes knowing that he has control of the situation, and he feels a little fucked up for it, and even expresses that, but josh hushes him and tells him that it's alright.

tyler gets on his stomach, and moves josh's thighs to where they're over his shoulders as he pulls him closer, a little rougher than he needs to. josh lets out a groan, and tyler starts by sucking a tiny little love bite into josh's right thigh. tyler starts with one, but winds up giving josh about fifteen hickeys on either of his thighs, and josh is squirming and whining above him by the time tyler's giving the gentlest of licks to his clit.

tyler loves going down on josh. it's one of his favorite things to do, and for the past four months or so, it's pretty much all he's been able to do without having an anxiety attack. josh likes it too, of course. he rolls his hips into tyler's mouth, and he's very vocal about his pleasure, repeating tyler's name like a mantra, sometimes letting out the occasional whimpered, _"oh, daddy, please,"_ since he knows tyler kinda likes being called that.

and maybe tyler kind of likes the power trip he's on right now, especially as he's pulling away from josh, who just _whines_ like a child being told no. tyler gives him a sharp look--he knows the look on his face, knows that he looks almost bitter--and tells him to shut up.

josh smirks, this cocky little smarmy _grin_ worming its way onto his face, and as tyler's rubbing lube onto his cock, and on a few of his fingers, which he dips inside of josh, he bends down towards his boyfriend, and takes a hold of his jaw, making him make eye contact with him, so he can ask, "what the _fuck_ are you smiling about?"

that wipes the look off of josh's face, and tyler's sure to kiss him, quick and gentle, and to tell him he loves him, more than anything, before he's slotting his hips against josh's, and slowly pressing his cock into him.

usually, tyler likes having josh's hands on him, but right now, he feels like it'd be too much, even if neither of them last longer than five minutes. tyler finishes faster than he has since--since he was _young,_ mouthing against josh's neck and holding onto him, and josh cums with a shout followed by a string of the prettiest little moans as he squeezes around tyler's cock.

josh takes a few moments to catch his breath before asking, "was that okay?"

tyler nods, and kisses his neck. "it was fuckin' great."

"good, i'm glad. um. hate to--hate to sound like a dick, but could you, like... untie me...? my shoulders kinda hurt."

tyler huffs and smiles into josh's neck, before pulling out, and gently turning his boyfriend back onto his stomach so he can fumble around with the knots he used in the rope, until his arms are free.

tyler doesn't bother doing anything with the rope, other than tossing it onto the floor, because josh is rolling onto his back, and holding his arms up towards tyler, saying, _"you_ should carry me into the bathroom, and take a bath with me."

tyler just slowly shakes his head. "dude, i don't need to put my back out at twenty five. you're too big and muscly for me to carry that far. i _will_ politely hold your hand and maybe let you lean on me while we walk, though."

josh makes a face, but says, _"fiiine,"_ anyways.

***

they try another scene a week later, and they don't get very far into it before tyler's pulling away, and muttering, _"rosanna, rosanna, rosanna, rosanna, rosanna,"_ over and over, mostly to himself for a solid thirty seconds with his face in his hands, before josh is taking control of the situation, and telling him what to do.

"ty, you're absolutely allowed to lose your shit and have an anxiety attack, but before that, if you could, like, get my hands out of this rope, that would be highly appreciated."

tyler grabs his old hunting knife that he set out on the night stand, just in case he had to cut josh out of the rope, in case of a situation like this, or in case of him being unable to get the knot undone, and doesn't waste a whole lot of time cutting the rope before setting the knife back down where it came from.

josh doesn't move fast. he never moves fast when tyler's panicking like this. he keeps his movements slow, as to not startle him, rolling onto his back, and then sitting up. "can i touch you?" he asks, with his hand hovering over tyler's shoulder. sometimes tyler wants to be touched, other times he doesn't.

tyler nods, though, so josh places his hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. "why don't we get dressed, and you can sit on my lap while we watch sunny, just like we always do, alright? we can talk about it when you're calmer."

tyler nods, and doesn't remove his hands from his face. before getting up to get tyler a change of clothes, josh scoots towards him, and hugs him, kissing the top of his head and telling him he's going to be alright, and that he's not gonna let anything happen to him.

***

josh throws on shorts and a sweater, and gets tyler dressed in a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and gets him wrapped up in their duvet before sitting on the couch, with him in his lap, holding him and rocking him a little bit, hushing him, and talking him down. once tyler's a little more calm and his hysterical sobbing has turned into a mild case of the sniffles, josh starts playing tyler's favorite episode of _it's always sunny._ (which happens to be _chardee macdennis.)_

as soon as josh feels him giggling a little bit at the stupid straight face dennis makes as a dart gets thrown right into his hand, he asks, "do you wanna talk about it?"

"it was--it was too much. i thought i could handle it, but i couldn't. that's about it."

josh nods, and doesn't make him say anything else. "it happens, sweetie; it's okay."

***

"i just want to feel better," tyler mumbles into his pillow, which has an embarrassing amount of tear stains on it. that doesn't stop him from crying into it.

josh sits on the floor next to where he's laying, and just nods. josh is crying too, right now. he's upset for tyler. he wants him to feel better just as much as tyler wants it for himself. "i love you so much. i'm sorry i can't do more for you." his voice cracks and strains as he tries not to let it wobble. josh hasn't cried a whole lot since going on testosterone, but seeing tyler so upset makes his heart ache and it's enough to make him start crying with him.

"it's not your fault, josh. i don't--i don't _get_ why it's _now_ that this shit is coming back." tyler cries harder into his pillow and josh chokes back a sob of his own, wiping his face on the sleeves of his jacket. "i'm sorry; i know it's hurting you too. i'm so sorry."

"this isn't about me--"

"-- _shut up._ your feelings--" tyler coughs on his spit, and turns over a bit to face josh, and to reach for his hair, wanting something between his fingers, to remind himself that this is real, and that he's here right now, in this moment; "--they're valid too. they're just as--they're just as valid as mine. i'm not the only one affected by it. i'm not. you are too--and i know--i know it hurts you too. and i'm _sorry._ "

"stop! _stop saying you're sorry!"_ josh shouts. josh shouts and he immediately feels fucking awful because tyler's hand flies out of his hair and he fucking _cowers_ and josh cries harder too. "fuck--i'm sorry, i'm so sorry--i didn't mean to yell-- _fuck._ it's just--tyler, _please._ none of this is your fault. _none of it."_

"i'm _hurting_ you," tyler argues.

"no, _you're_ not," josh argues back, glaring at him as his own chin and lip quiver. _"you're_ not hurting me. it's _not_ your fault that you were fucking _raped._ i hurt because i _love you_ and i want you to fucking feel better, you asshole." josh reaches forward, and nudges tyler. not harshly, or hard at all, but still enough to get his point across. "i _wish,_ so fucking _bad,_ that i could make this all go away, but i _can't_ and that fucking _kills me._ i love you so _fucking_ much."

"if i felt better--if i felt _better_ neither of us would be in this situation--but i can't--i can't just recover in a month, and i _hate it."_

***

tyler feels like he's in a good place in his life. he's been seeing jenna for counseling for a little over a year, and he feels like he's healed a decent amount.

that's why he feels like his world comes crashing down around him when he decides to tag along with his parents to church one sunday, only to have his mother reintroduce him to his sunday school teacher from when he was a kid, _the_ sunday school teacher, asking him if he remembers her.

tyler's torn between two reactions. his first reaction, the one he follows through with, is to just _bolt,_ but his second reaction to lunge at her and tackle her to the floor and choke her until the light fades from her eyes and her lips are tinted blue.

tyler catches a bus home, and josh is standing at the counter, making himself a sandwich for lunch when tyler walks in. josh looks at him, and smiles sweetly, just as he always does, commenting, "you're back early."

"she was there," tyler says, voice shaky, as he's kicking his stupid loafers off, and yanking at his tie, trying to get it undone, but struggling to do so.

josh winches, and walks over to him to help him with his tie. he also helps him get the first few buttons on his shirt unbuttoned after he makes a comment about feeling like he's going to choke. "why don't you go sit on the couch, and i'll get you some water, yeah?"

tyler's hunched over and starting to cry into his palms by the time josh is in the living room with a glass of ice water for his partner, sandwich forgotten for now. josh sits next to him, and after getting permission, he wraps his arms around him.

"i've been doing so good lately," he states.

josh hugs him a little tighter, and they sway back and forth for a bit. "i know honey, i know. you've been doing _very_ good lately, and i'm so proud of you."

"i wanted to kill her, josh. i really wanted to and i feel like i would have if i hadn't have just _ran."_

"did she do anything? if she did, i'll beat her up."

"no, _fuck_ no. she looked about as fucking _shocked_ as i felt." tyler wipes the back of his hand over either of his eyes, and sits up a little bit, letting josh continue hugging him. "it's like she _knew._ like she _knew,_ and like she never expected to see me again. _fuck._ what am i gonna tell my parents? it's not fucking _normal_ to run from your sunday school teachers."

"it's normal when they're an actual pile of fucking garbage," josh mumbles. "i know you said you didn't want to last year when it came up, but... you still have four years, in case you decide you want to do anything about it, legally. i'm still willing to talk to my dad for you."

tyler sniffs a bit, and once he's lying on top of josh, with josh running his fingers through his hair like he does when tyler grows it out, he responds with, "maybe."

***

tyler's brought josh with him to his counseling appointments a handful of times, and after the _altercation_ at church, as he'd like to call it, he decides it's a good week to take josh with him. he's glad, too, that he has josh with him, because this week jenna brings up the idea of tyler talking to his parents about it for the second time. (she brought it up once, near the beginning, and it wound up sending tyler into an anxiety attack, one that landed him in an emergency room since he fainted from it, so she left the subject alone after that.)

tyler goes to tell her no, but josh interrupts him with a hand on his bicep. "ty, i know--i know you don't want to, but i think it might be a good idea." he speaks slowly and quietly and in a tone that he knows doesn't freak tyler out. "i can help you tell them."

"and if you wanted to bring them with you to your next appointment, i could help you tell them as well," jenna says. she keeps her tone neutral yet sensitive and sympathetic. "ultimately it's up to you, and it's your decision. you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do, but... it might make things easier."

tyler takes a few deep breaths, in for four and out for eight, before saying anything. he replies to josh first. "josh, you've met my parents, and you know better. they're already iffy with me over the whole bi-but-prefers-guys thing, and they _despise_ the fact that i'm dating--"

"--a tranny?" josh finishes in a deadpan tone, one that makes tyler crack up into a fit of giggles.

"shut up, but _yes--_ that's part of it. i don't know how they'd handle finding out that i was assaulted. they've always thought it was stupid, when it'd come up on tv shows, or on the news, that a guy had been raped, unless it was another man who'd done it, then they got pissed. if it was a woman, though, they would just... turn their nose up at it, because a woman can't--can't _rape_ a man, according to them."

"that's not true, though," josh says immediately.

jenna agrees with him.

 _"i_ know that, but i don't know if they do."

***

tyler decides against telling his parents. he's still not comfortable telling them, and when they ask him why he ran off, he says that he doesn't want to talk about it, and leaves it at that. his mom tries getting him to talk, but he hangs up on her, and lets josh distract him that night with his mouth and his fingers and his sweet words in his ear as he fucks him into the mattress.

despite the shit week tyler's had, he doesn't feel panicky for the first time in a long time. maybe it's because josh is the one in charge tonight, maybe it's because in his mind, josh is his protector, there to whisk him away from all the bad shit, at least for that night.

***

it takes tyler a few months to work himself up to it, to put on his brave face, but eventually he's able to work up the courage to seek josh's dad out, and to ask him for his help in filing a police report. josh's dad explains to him that there's a high chance that shit could go wrong for tyler, and that nothing might come of this, but tyler sniffles through it and says that he wants to--no-- _needs_ to do this for himself.

he needs the closure. he needs to find out what's going to happen. even if she gets away with it and he can't convince a jury that she's fucking _guilty,_ or if the police officers laugh in his face when he explains why he wants to file a report, he'll at least know what would've happened, instead of spending the rest of his life wondering.

***

tyler feels like it's weird that he doesn't tell anyone else, aside from josh, josh's dad, who doubles as his lawyer throughout the whole ordeal and only charges him a single dollar, his counselor, and a courtroom about what happened to him, but jenna calmly explains that he doesn't have to tell anyone, just as she's been telling him for two years now. he isn't obligated to tell anyone, because, despite the fact that sometimes talking about stuff is cathartic and can be very healing, it's still a very private thing to be going through, and that he doesn't have to share it with the world.

she gets convicted, and tyler's in fucking _shock_ when he finds out. he managed to convince himself that nothing would come of it, that nothing _could_ come of it, but josh kisses him all over his face and just explains that she got what was coming to her, and that his dad is a kick ass lawyer.

***

it doesn't end there, of course. things like this don't just _end._ tyler isn't suddenly better because he has that little bit of closure, even if it does help immensely in his recovery, and he still winds up spending his honeymoon in a hotel room in cabo sharing a half gallon of ice cream with josh while they watch sunny reruns, just like old times, after he works himself into an anxiety attack.

recovery is this weird journey. tyler realizes this early on--within a few months of counseling--and again and again every time he has a bad day. it's not just a line going upwards at a forty five degree angle--it's like a bunch of nonsensical scribbling with highs and lows here and there and a lot of backwards and forwards and zig-zagging, even if, ultimately, the mass of scribbles does move in an upward motion, and even if it takes him years to work on himself and to work past everything that life throws at him.

the nightmares and anxiety attacks never really stop. they still happen, even if they become less frequent as he gets older. sometimes he has periods where they happen all the time and sometimes he goes _years_ without even thinking about it more than he has to before having a breakdown over it. it sucks and it's a struggle but it's fucking life, even if life can sometimes he stupid and full of bullshit.

***

 _It's so good to learn that right outside your window_  
_There's only friendly fields and open roads_  
_And you'll sleep better when you think you've stepped back from the brink_  
_And found some peace inside yourself, laid down your heavy load_  
  
_It gets alright to dream at night_  
_Believe in solid skies and slate-blue earth below_  
_But when you see him, you'll know_  
  
_It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward_  
_With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand_  
_And you'll breathe easier just knowing that the worst is all behind you_  
_And the waves that tossed the raft all night have set you on dry land_  
  
_It gets okay to praise the day_  
_Believe in sheltering skies and stable earth beneath_  
_But hear his breath come through his teeth_  
  
_Walk by faith_  
_Tell no one what you've seen_  
  
_It's so good to learn that from right here the view goes on forever_  
_And you'll never want for comfort and you'll never be alone_  
_See the sunset turning red, let all be quiet in your head_  
_And look about, all the stars are coming out_  
  
_They shine like steel swords_  
_Wish me well where I go_  
_But when you see me, you'll know_

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. tyler latching onto dennis reynolds in this fic is not only extremely transparent of me but a huge mood.  
> 2\. the fact that after writing this i listened to that mountain goats song only to realize it fits this fic to a fucking tee is also a mood that has me damn near in tears rn like idk yall the mountain goats just kinda find you when you need them ok (the mountain goats is a band not a collective of goats that just Find You when you're struggling)
> 
> also i feel like im gonna look at this fic when i wake up whenever i sleep and im gonna just be like "lol ok"


End file.
